WinterSleep
by Lillum-Sama
Summary: With Nana's dissapearence and only rumours of her whereabouts, Hachi finally decides to move back to Japan. But upon meeting Nobu, feelings they both had tried to forget arise once again. Now, all they have to do is take the first step.
1. Prologue

This is my first Nana fanfiction and, for that matter, the first fic I ever write in English. Since my native language is Spanish, I apologize for the incorrect grammar and orthography you may find here and encourage you to correct me in such mistakes.

Without further delays, I do hope you enjoy it.

**Be warned: Spoilers ahead.**

**Disclaimer**: Neither Nana nor it's characters belong to me, they all belong to Ai Yazawa-sensei. Otherwise Ren would still be alive and Hachi and Nobu would be a couple.

**[~Prologue~]**

_Nee… Nana… Do you remember the first time we met? Because I __believe we were predestined to become good friends, don't you think so? Even now I still believe in destiny and I am certain we will meet again…_

I softly sighed while I watched my dear Satsuki sleep and I couldn't help myself to smile. Her face was calm and innocent and a little smile began to form in her lips as she whispered Shin's name in her dreams. I stopped myself from giggling, afraid I might wake her up. It seemed so weird and at the same time adorable the determination she had to one day marry Shin. Just a few days back she had, well, proposed to him; and while the rest of the guys laughed or took it as a joke, but Shin, with the most serious face he could ever managed, had leaned on his knees and taken her hands, never removing his eyes from hers, and promised her that when she grew up he would give her the engagement ring.

I wondered if it had been okay for him to tell her that, but ever since my daughter had been a light bulb of joy, she could have easily illuminated any room she was in with her radiating happiness. My smile grew wider as I caressed her check, moving aside a lock of hair from her face. But as I did so, I couldn't help remembering why her cheerfulness seemed even greater now. Just a few weeks ago she had been so depressed. Of course, she had tried to hide it but I knew better. Satsuki wanted her whole family again, together. Takumi, Ren and I at her side, but we all knew how impossible that wish was… There was no way for Takumi and I to ever be together again and my daughter reckoned that, she understood it perfectly. That's why she never said her wish out loud, she would only pray…

I won't doubt that Takumi loved me, I know he did… but it was in his own particular way, it wasn't the kind of love I needed. I wasn't dense or stupid not to notice how shamelessly he cheated on me, over and over again, I could even assure that at least once he even slept with Reira. But even if I knew that, I always tried not to care, not to think about it, convincing myself that no matter he did that I was somehow special to him… Otherwise, why would he have married me? I gave it my all to try and love him, respecting how his work was above all, trying not to get in his way a being as helpful as I could… But it seems I was never good enough for him… or maybe he's the one who wasn't good enough for me, I don't know.

After Ren's death, our little lie began to shatter, slowly but deeply. It was evident how it would end, but I dared not leave him. Perhaps it was because of Satsuki in my womb or simply because I was scared. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because of you Nana. You suddenly disappeared, without a word, without a trace. We had all thought that you had begun to recover. You already talked and even laughed and everybody was still so overwhelmed by what had happened that nobody noticed how wrong things were until it was too late. Until you were gone.

That time I felt that a part of me had disappeared with you. I felt as if I would never be happy again and somehow I still feel that way. The months passed by, turning into years, and there was no sign of you. I moved to England with Takumi and of course Satsuki and Ren. Eventually there seemed to be rumors of you performing in London. But that was it, they were just rumors. We wouldn't discover anything on you and as time went on my relationship with Takumi had already shattered and began crumbling. We fought about anything and everything and then, we wouldn't talk to each other for days. Every single night I could smell women's perfume in Takumi's clothes and could tell how shamelessly he had been shagging with someone else…

And you… there still were no traces of you…

Eventually I decided that I could no longer go on like that, I had to stop the horrid situation I was living once and for all. And even if hadn't heard a word about you in years, I was pretty certain that you would've approved of what I did.

I placed my cards upon the table and told Takumi I would go back to Japan, while Ren, who overly refused to leave London or even less stay away from Takumi, would stay with him. I knew that it was going to be difficult for Satsuki and Ren, they were like actual siblings, but it was in their best interests as well. They couldn't grow up in such environment, it was just not right.

For once in his life, Takumi actually casted aside his arrogance and pride and begged me to stay, to give him another chance. But in the end, we both knew that those were empty words, promises that would never be fulfilled and I wasn't innocent enough to believe then now.

Even though, after a year of that separation, both living in not only different countries, but different continents, we still hadn't divorced. Junko asked me thousands of time why wouldn't we, but I could only manage to answer her that it wasn't simply worth it. We had already split so, what was the big deal? But truth be told I was scared. I couldn't fully understand the reason, guess a part of me was still in love with that man and the divorce would somehow make this all definite… "real".

Still I don't regret in the very least leaving him. When I was back in Japan everybody received me with open arms, becoming a second family for Satsuki. Once again, I found myself living in room 707 and even though you are no longer here with me, somehow I can feel you around and can't help but looking back to all the things we lived together, along with everyone else who hasn't abandoned me… Junko and Youichi, who have always been ther for me, Yasu along with Miu, who taught me to play Mah Jong, Shin… my dear Shin who still likes calling me mom – although I'm afraid I may actually become his mother in law-, even Shouji and Sachiko are in my life now, after I finally was able to get over everything that happened between us. But above all, the one whose precense has made me the most happy is Nobu, the kind and gentle Nobu, who even though everything that happened between us and all the damage I caused him, still stands beside… supporting me…

I can be honest with you Nana, even if I can't be with myself sometimes. Probably, if it hadn't been because of Nobu, standing right next to me, I would have probably been broken along the way, not being able to stand there with you gone.

I don't regret what happened years ago –except of course hurting him- because all of that has made me who I am now and I finally managed to mature into a somewhat descent person. But I can't help wondering… What would have happened if instead of Takumi it had been Nobu who arrived with me that night? If I had been able to truthfully tell him what I was feeling? But I was selfish, nothing but a selfish coward. Even if I repeatedly said that it was only to protect him, I was only protecting my scared self…

I don't regret my choices, as painful as they were… But I really can't help myself and not wonder… What if?

What do you think Nana?


	2. Starless Night

**Disclaimer**: Nana and all of it's characters are property of Ai Yazawa, who hopefully will recieve enough fanmail to motivate her and finish the manga series D:

Note: English is not my native language, so any mistakes I make here, please do tell, for I will be thankful!

**Starless Night**

_In the hometown of Ren and Nana, Ren silently sleeps forever. Even now I don't know what words I could have possibly told you back then_

Even if Satsuki isn't sure about the reason why we all pray so fervently, she still does the same thing. She prays so her very own wishes become true. Yasu smiles when he notices the expression on the little girls face, she looks so focused.

We are staying at the Terashima Inn for a few days, so we could spend Ren's birthday eve together, present our respects and in a way be with him. It's still hard to believe that he actually left us, no matter how many years it has been. Just like you disappearing on us. Every time the bell rings, every time I see a black haired couple… I almost expect it to be you two, arriving and apologizing for the lateness. It's that little wish in my heart that I know won't be fulfilled, but at least I wished you would return.

You know? I still find it awkward to see Nobu as the successful manager of his parents' inn, but truth be told; it actually suits him, just as much as being a rock star suited him. Even if the occasion is a painful one, I'm glad we can all be together, enjoying ourselves while remembering all those suit times. I think that if you were here, you'd be quite proud of me. For the fifth consecutive time I've beaten them all in Mah-Jong. I recall how when we lived together, I didn't even no what the Jun Cha Taa Yao Ryan Pei Kou was, much less did I expect to ever win against seniors like this. I think Miu is really regretting teaching me how to play, although, I have to admit… I did ask Ren a bit of his support in my game, seeing how they were all mocking my lack of skills. I'll take some of his favourite beer to his tomb tomorrow as a thank-you. I know it's silly and maybe even wrong, but I have the feeling that he would smile upon my prayer.

Regretfully, even if we are having fun, Satsuki is kind of frustrated. Shin couldn't manage to come due to his work. He's a famous actor now and has been filming in Okinawa for the past month, I spoke to him last week and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to make in time. Things only get worse when Satsuki finally manages to wonder about Takumi, if his absence is due to work. Yasu is the one who explains her how, even if somebody else could do his job, that man wouldn't accept. He's still the same workaholic as ever and won't rest assured if he didn't make sure everything was perfect, just like he would do it. But that nevertheless, Yasu promised her, that he definitely missed her just as much a she missed him.

Even as a six-year-old, Satsuki is perfectly capable of understanding this… She does resemble her father in some ways, and then asks if that is the reason why Ren remains with Takumi, so he wouldn't feel lonely. I felt a sting of pain and before my face gave me away I lowered my head, but Satsuki noticed. She took my hand with hers and stared at me with those big eyes, telling me she was there for me so I mustn't ever feel lonely. I don't think I ever felt such an urge to hug my daughter.

It was true. I didn't know what I would do without Satsuki by my side and I was amazed at how mature she was at times and yet… be such a sweet child. There was no need to ask what she had prayed for when we were at Ren's tomb. She wished to see our family together again, she begged her unknown uncle for that, but, no matter how much it hurt, that was a wish not even Ren could ever grant.

Like every year, when the sun sets Nobu takes out his guitar and we sing around him, Yasu playing an improvised drum set made up with some kitchen pots. It has become a tradition among us and I desperately wished that next year you'd join us too, because nobody else could sing as beautifully as you for Ren in his birthday. You are the only one missing, because I can even sense him with us now… Where are you Nana?

Everybody has gone to sleep, it's alter three in the morning and we must return to Tokyo after dawn, nonetheless something inside my chest won't allow me to sleep. I observe Satsuki's serene expression, sleeping deeply next to me and I smile, remembering the words she had told me earlier this evening. Then, I quietly stand up, careful not to wake her up and I put on my dressing gown before leaving the bedroom. I know full well I won't be able to sleep no matter how hard I try.

I shiver as the cold wind hits me. No more than an hour ago it was heavily snowing and the yard is covered in white, looking like a big white canvas, waiting for some artist to start painting on it. I sit in the stairs, looking at the apparently infinite white and I lose myself in my thoughts.

For the millionth time I wonder where you are, if you can also look at the snow wherever you are. Once you told me that we'd always be together and no matter how happy that made me, I was the one who betrayed you. Our cups broken in the kitchen floor, the shock in your eyes, the pain that both of us hid… It's still fresh in my mind and haunts me. It was like the prologue of everything that would happen… But you forgave me then and I was so happy at that, when I had feared that those cups breaking was a premonition of our friendship ending as well… But even after all these years without you, I know that will never happen, because more than anyone you will remain in my heart and I will forever wait for you… I just wished I could've told you that and so many more things before you left… If only I had realized…

"It's cold, you'll get sick." Nobu's voice takes me away from my thoughts and I look at him with a sad smile.

"I'm fine, I just needed to come out and think…" he looks at me questioningly, but refrains from asking any further, even so he simply sits next to me, watching the snow falling once again. The silence spreads, but rather than awkward there's this familiar feeling of peace. After a few moments I ask:

"Can you believe so much time has already passed? I'm glad that at least all of us remain together…" I pause "I just wished Nana would come back…"

"I know what you mean" He answers without looking at me, his stare lost in the horizon "But I'm sure we'll eventually find her"

I nod while hugging my legs, resting my chin on my knees.

"This morning… when we went to pray to Ren's tomb, Satsuki also made a wish to him…" I suddenly say without looking at him – Unfortunately, not even Ren will be able to grant her wish…"

"She wants to go back with Takumi, right?" He asks, or rather, just looks for confirmation. I nod again, still not looking at him.

"Satsuki misses him deeply. She doesn't fully understand why have we separated, but has managed to understand my feelings about it. That's why she doesn't ask me directly but I'm sure there's nothing she wishes more than being with her father…"

"What about you?"

I shake my head.

"That's something impossible for me. I can't go back…" I hesitate and then add "I don't want to go back. That's why I feel so helpless, being unable to grant Satsuki's desire"

Nobu remains quite for a couple of seconds, then, I feel his arms hesitantly surrounding my shoulders, drawing me towards him.

"Don't worry, I'm sure everything will turn out alright" he whispers "Satsuki realizes your feelings, I'm sure there are other ways to make things right for her…"

I don't know why, but Nobu's calm words are the best to bring peace to my mind. Maybe it's his voice or the warmth he speaks with, but… I'm glad he was here with me, sitting right next to me. I close my eyes and lean against his shoulder, allowing him to console me and by that, transmit that feeling of tranquillity only he could give me.

Was I being selfish again? Was I using Nobu to feel better? After all this time, I knew he felt nothing for me, if only a kind friendship. Whatever there was between us in the past is long gone… But still, there still exists this tiny part of me which wishes it was some other way, which wishes Nobu still loved me and I could remain by his side… But I needed to quieten that part of me because there was no way those foolish desires were even possible. Nobu had moved on and so should I, even more because I was the one who rejected him so many years ago… Ye, his presence had become like a drug for me… He keeps me calm and hopeful about the future…

If only…

56502525


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